Posted on Tue, Mar 30, 2010
New things are happening
at
Focused Solutions Counselling & Coaching!!
I want to make it easier for you to arrange a time to meet. I’m now offering an online calendar to book your appointments 24/7. No more phone tag or e-mail catch up!! When you want to book a time, simply go to www.reneemeggs.com, and press the “Book an Appointment” tab.
Whether you want to meet in person, on the phone, or online for counselling or coaching, you can book it anytime. Of course I’m still just a phone call or e-mail away anytime you have questions or would like to talk about options.
I’m looking forward to meeting with you!!
Posted on Mon, Mar 22, 2010
Facts about bullying
Bullying really hurts. Unfortunately, it’s really prevalent in our schools, playgrounds, community, and in the workplace. Did you know a famous study by Debra Pepler and others found that bullying happens every 7 minutes on the school grounds and every 25 minutes in the classroom? How about the US statistics that 1 in 4 kids is bullied and 30% of adolescents are involved in moderate-frequent bullying? Bullying is a huge issue that can have life long consequences.
Impact of bullying
When kids, teens, or adults are bullied, it can have a huge impact on them. Some of the troubles may include: difficulty concentrating on work at school or in the workplace, feeling badly about themselves, feeling really alone, feeling hurt and frustrated that bystanders don’t speak up or stand up for them, missing school or work, dropping out of things that used to really interest them, having thoughts of suicide and/or acting on those thoughts, and health problems like headaches or stomachaches. Bullying memories can stay with people for the rest of their lives, as I wrote about in November last year. See this psychologist’s path to solution-focused therapy.
Taking the fun out of bullying
One of the things I talk with kids about in counselling is acting as if what the person is saying or doing doesn’t bother you. That’s certainly easier said than done. With kids, I tell them a story to help motivate them to be like an actor and train someone to stop bugging them.
The story goes like this:
There were a group of scientists who did some experiments with dogs. For the first part of the experiment, they rang a bell every single time they put out some dog food. Soon the dog learned that the bell meant food was served and would come running, slobbering all over.
For the second part of the experiment, the scientists would ring the bell and only sometimes put the food out. What did the dog do? The dog came every time because s/he knew at least some of the time there would be food there.
For the third part of the experiment, the scientists rang the bell and never put out the dog food. Eventually the dog learned the bell had nothing to do with food and stopped slobbering or paying much attention to the bell.
What’s someone whose bullying trying to make you do?
Feel and act upset!! Sooo, the goal is to train the person not to bully anymore by acting as if what s/he is doing doesn’t bother you. If sometimes you show it bugs you and other times you act as if it doesn’t, guess what will happen? The person will keep on bullying you because s/he knows at least some of the time s/he can get a reaction out of you. But if you practice acting as if it doesn’t bug you, eventually you take the fun out of it.
I ask them if they’ve ever trained a dog and we talk about how they did it and look for ideas around time, practice, and patience and how similar this is to training someone not to bug you.
Other things kids can do…
Important parts of this story include going over some other things kids can do such as talk with someone about their feelings, do something that helps them feel better, leave the situation as quickly as possible, find allies, tell an adult, etc.
Finally…
There are things kids, teens, and adults can do to stop the bullying. Here’s some online info:
www.bullying.org
www.cyberbullyhelp.com
http://www.overcomebullying.org/bullying-support-groups.html (includes workplace bullying)
About the author:
Renée Meggs is a Registered Psychologist who works with adults and children to help them do what works, both in counselling and coaching. If you’d like to book an appointment or inquire about my services, please e-mail me at reneemeggs@focusedsolutionscounselling.com and/or go to my website at http://reneemeggs.com. I can meet with you in person, on the phone, or on-line.
Posted on Tue, Mar 16, 2010
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about health and wellness and its relationship to moving past troubles–both emotional and physical. I’ve been thinking about ideas such as whether meaning, purpose, and belonging make a difference in helping people live the life they want; I’ve been thinking about the relationship between mental health and physical wellness or mind-body medicine; have been pondering the relationship between food, mood, and the body; and the relationship between hormones and mood. Maybe I’ve been thinking too much eh?!!
Meaning, purpose, and belonging
I was reading an article lately about a self-made millionaire who has focused his attention on emotional richness and his quest to virally spread karma points by encouraging people to do caring things for others. By sharing them, the hope is that others will follow suit and the world will become a better place. He reportedly felt that meaning, purpose, community and love were the true riches in life we should be seeking.
What do you think? What gives you a sense of meaning? Of purpose? Does thinking about whether something means anything to you make a difference in whether you invest your energy in it? Does that something have to have some purpose–to you, to others, or to the greater good–or is it enough to find it makes sense to you?
What about belonging? Is it important to you to feel as if you belong to a person or a group of people? Does having a sense of community make a difference in your life? Does creating connections based on proximity, shared interests or beliefs impact your sense of meaning or purpose? How do these things influence the way you live your life? Do they influence whether or not you live the life you want to live?
Mind-body medicine
Mind-body medicine is becoming more and more popular as it looks at the relationship between mental and physical well-being. Dr. James Gordon, the creator of the Center for Mind-Body Medicine in the U.S. is an advocate of mindfulness, meditation, and living in the moment. He and others believe these are vital to living well in mind and body. And you? Do you believe in the connection between mental and physical health? What does or doesn’t make sense to you about it? Have there been any benefits to considering the relationship between your mind and body? Has it helped you to do anything differently?
Food and the mind-body connection
There is a growing number of research projects and books on the link between food and wellness. At first thought you may think, that’s not a new idea!! We know eating junk food can lead to all sorts of health risks! There’s seems to be growing information, however, about how diet can impact mood which can in turn impact your body. There’s lots of information about their relationship and the importance of eating whole, unrefined food. Look on the Chapters-Indigo or Amazon sites and you’ll find book titles such as, Potatoes not Prozac, Eat Your Way to Happiness, and the Food-Mood-Body Connection.
What do you think about this? Do you see any connection between the food you eat and how you feel emotionally and physically? If so, what difference has this made in your life? Have you made any changes that have helped you feel good in mind and body?
Mood and Hormones
What about the relationship between hormones, adrenals, thyroid, and mood? For some years now, the idea that stress can wreac havoc on our bodies and can be a factor in disease has been gnerally accepted. However, there’s growing literature on the relationship between hormones and depression or anxiety. The idea is that hormones affect the way we act and think. As I think about adolescence, the idea doesn’t seem revolutionary. Nor does it when I consider unhelpful notions of what women can be like as they go through the change. As you’ve gotten older, have you noticed your moods changing for no obvious reason–other than where your body’s at in life? Do you think hormones influence or have influenced how you feel and act?
About the author:
Renée Meggs is a Registered Psychologist who works with adults and children to help them do what works, both in counselling and coaching. If you’d like to book an appointment or inquire about my services, please e-mail me at reneemeggs@focusedsolutionscounselling.com and/or go to my website at http://reneemeggs.com. I can meet with you in person, on the phone, or on-line.
Posted on Mon, Mar 08, 2010
There is a lot of information and support for people who have experienced sexual, physical, and verbal abuse and neglect. Traditional support seems to regard people who have been abused as somehow damaged, dysfunctional, and deficient. There is, however, a growing idea that people respond to abuse in a variety of ways, that they do things to try to stop the abuse, that they may thwart the efforts of the abuser, and may actively do things to protect others from abuse. I want to share some thoughts about both approaches.
Traditional ideas:
Traditionally, people who have been abused have been seen as being really affected by the abuse. There is a belief amongst many traditional helping professionals that this leads people to create dysfunctional patterns such as having no boundaries, seeking out further abuse, or passively staying in dysfunctional relationships. The idea goes further by describing people as being damaged, dysfunctional, or deficient as a result. People are discredited, seen as abnormal, inadequate or lacking in some way.
How dishonouring is that?!?!
Newer ideas : Response-based therapy
There is a growing idea that people resist abuse overtly and covertly–that they do things to show to themselves and others that they object to the abuse. Some overt ways might include telling the abuser to STOP IT! or to run away. Covert ways people resist abuse could include saying something to themselves like, I hate him! or She can get to my body but she’ll never get to my soul!! or I don’t deserve this!!
It’s important to note that resistance doesn’t necessarily mean the person is successful in stopping the abuse. Resistance is making a stand, it’s opposition, and it’s taking action against the abuse through thoughts, feelings, words, or by doing something.
Whether the person is ultimately successful or not is not the point. The point is that people don’t passively accept abuse. They do a variety of things to demonstrate to themselves or others that the abuse is wrong.
Amplifying this in therapy can help conversations transform from I put up with the abuse for years before I left to I did a lot of things to try to stop the abuse; from I’ve never had good boundaries in my relationship to I told him many times to stop but he refused.
What does it all mean?
People use a variety of tactics to prevent, stop, or resist bad treatment. To say people who have been abused become damaged, deficient, or dysfunctional denies acknowledgement of how people respond to, or resist abuse. Amplifying the ways people respond to abuse is honouring and allows room for other strengths to been seen and heard.
About the author:
Renée Meggs is a Registered Psychologist who works with adults and children to help them do what works, both in counselling and coaching. If you’d like to book an appointment or inquire about my services, please e-mail me at reneemeggs@focusedsolutionscounselling.com and/or go to my website at http://reneemeggs.com. I can meet with you in person, on the phone, or on-line.
Posted on Mon, Mar 01, 2010
The 2010 Winter Olympics have ended. I have to say I have never been so touched, proud, amazed, awed, excited, and patriotic. The athletes exemplify everything that can remind us of trying our best, of perservering when the odds are against you, of giving it all you have to make a difference–in your life–and in the life of others. What did they show us?
Brian Keever is a cross-country skier who is visually impaired and was, for the first time, crossing the previously insurmountable barrier between the Olympics and Para- Olympics. The day before his 50 km race, the Canadian coaches decided to cut him from the team. I suppose you could argue that the coaches re-instated the barrier with that decision. But having been chosen for the Canadian team in the first place has shown us that it’s possible to perservere and be as good as, or better than others even when the odds are against you. Brian has raised awareness of differently-abled people and of what is possible when you work for it hard enough.
Another cross-country skier absolutely awed and amazed me with her grit and determination. Slovanian Petra Majdic won a bronze medal skiing with 5 broken ribs and a punctured lung. She said it best: “It was really worth it to show the people of the world never give up on your dreams and at least try to make your best.”
Sometimes trying your best might not get you the results you want. Chris del Bosco, a Canadian ski-cross racer, beat addiction and wanted one last chance to show the world what he was capable of. He was close to winning a bronze, pushed for silver–and fell. Did he make a mistake? Did he get greedy, or did he simply try his damned best?
What about Joannie Rochette, the Canadian figure skater whose mother died of a heart attack during the Olympics and prior to her competition? Many of us might have been too grief stricken to continue but she chose to compete in honour of her mom and won a bronze.
So what did they show us? For me, they showed perserverance. Perservere despite challenges, barriers, and seeminly insurmountable obstacles. They showed me that although I may not be successful every time, I know through perserverance, effort, and giving it my very best, I will up my chances. And as I put in my best effort, I’m reminded of the Olympic motto, “higher, stronger, faster” and paraphrase it for my life into stronger, wiser, confident. How about you?
About the author:
Renée Meggs is a Registered Psychologist who works with adults and children to help them do what works, both in counselling and coaching. If you’d like to book an appointment or inquire about my services, please e-mail me at reneemeggs@focusedsolutionscounselling.com and/or go to my website at http://reneemeggs.com. I can meet with you in person, on the phone, or on-line.