Posted on Mon, Nov 30, 2009
What does living in the moment mean to you? Is it mindfulness, flow, or something else? Where are you when you live in the moment? Is it easier when you’re in a certain place–or doing something in particular?
Mindfulness and flow defined: Wikipedia talks about mindfulness as “present-centered awareness” and acceptance of whatever is. Csikszentmihalyi, a psychology professor and author, created the concept of flow, of living in the moment when time flies because you’re completely and utterly part of whatever it is that you’re doing.
Calm serenity: My ideal of mindfulness is having the opportunity to sit outside on a mountain top, on a quiet beach at sunset, or somewhere that’s calm and secluded. It gives me the chance to feel the wind caress my hair, hear the sound it makes through trees, feast my eyes on the landscape—the colours, the textures, and the shapes—and just be. I feel any tension leave my body, become aware of my breath…and just be. Time becomes irrelevant. I feel connected to the earth. There is no beginning or end to me or the universe. We are one and the same.
Focused concentration: There are times when I rock climb that I really get into flow. I would say it’s like a mini holiday or like meditation. I have no chance to think about the things I have to do or anything that’s worrying or bothering me. I think about where I am on the rock, what’s going to be my next move, and how great it feels to conquer my fears and get past a really difficult move. I watch my friend climb, how she gets past a sketchy area, how she’s making her way up the pitch, and cheer her on. Time flies and although it seems like we just got there, we’ve been there all day and it’s time to go home. I feel relaxed and rejuvenated.
The to-do list: The only problem is I can’t do those things every day. Often times, life demands I attend to the million-and-one things on my to-do list. It can sometimes seem like the list just keeps growing even though I’m doing my damn best to get it done. I can feel pulled in different directions, the multi-tasking can begin to fall apart, and I crave the opportunity to live in the moment.
Life’s moments: There are times though–amidst the chaos—that I get caught in the moment. Take this last weekend. I was helping my sister move. It was hard work packing boxes, carrying them down the stairs, loading and unloading them from the truck into her new house, and helping with some unpacking. As the hours went on, I enjoyed the day. I liked spending some time with my niece and nephew, watching them with their friends and appreciating their help with the move. I enjoyed giving my sister a hand, liked the feeling of accomplishment, and actually enjoyed the physical work. I was completely in the moment—just spending time with them working.
What is living in the moment for you? Do the ideas of mindfulness or flow fit for you? What helps you ‘be’ where you are in a full and rich way no matter where you are or what you’re doing? I’d appreciate your comments!!
Posted on Sun, Nov 22, 2009
1. The dream: Suppose when you go to sleep tonight, you have a dream. Not just any old, run of the mill dream or some totally weird nonsense that leaves you shaking your head in disbelief. This dream seems really real—vivid and rich. It’s a dream of life—of your life—going exactly the way you want it to. In fact, it’s so clear it’s like you’re seeing it on a movie screen with sound surround. Better yet, you’re seeing it on an Imax screen and it’s so real you can see all the colours vividly, the textures, the space. Spend a moment looking around.
What do you see?
Imagine now all of your senses have come alive. You hear everything, can smell the richness of your life well lived, can touch everything around you. You’re with the people you care about most and they’re cheering you on, telling you how proud they are of all that you’ve accomplished. Soak it all in…
2. Suppose you wake up tomorrow and discover that the dream has really happened. What would you notice was different in your life? What would you be doing? Think about what you do with your day—from the time you wake up—until you go to bed. What’s everything that’s happening that’s going exactly the way you want it to? Be as detailed as you can.
3. What would the people that know you notice was different? What would they see you doing? How would they know that you were living life exactly the way you want to? How would they know you were living your dream? Be as detailed as you can.
4. How important is this dream or goal? On a scale of 0-10, if 10 is, this dream is so important you’re consumed by it, and 0 is the opposite, how important is it to you that you make this dream a reality? Be honest. Is this goal really something that has to happen, or would it just be nice?
5. Where are you now? On a scale of 0-10, if 0 is the dream has happened, you’re living life exactly the way you want to, and 0 is the opposite, where are you now? What are you doing that puts you there?
6. What’s one small step you could take? What’s something you could see happening over the next week or two that would be a sign that you were moving towards your dream? What is something you could see yourself reasonably doing that would put you up a notch? Think small.
Living life the way you want to can happen. Dream big and take a step!! See what happens!!
Posted on Tue, Nov 17, 2009
Privacy: When I opened my private practice, my vision was and is, to make it a warm, welcoming, safe, and comfortable place. That begins with people knowing that the space is private. There are 2 ways to enter and exit the building so people don’t have to worry about running into anyone they know. I keep the blinds open enough so that light can come in but people’s privacy is protected.
Warm or cold drink: As people enter my office, they can often smell fresh coffee brewing. I welcome them by offering them a cup, or give them a choice of loose or Stash teas, or filtered water. Being able to put your feet up while sipping from a warm cup seems to help the conversation flow.
Confidentiality: Before we start talking about what brought you to my office, we talk about confidentiality and the limits to it. I want to make sure you know under what circumstances I will share information we talk about and how I keep track of the information we talk about.
A comfortable atmosphere: I have a variety of pictures on the walls, a big bouquet of flowers and plants, and used, but comfortable furniture. I have a big bowl of rocks, wood, and coral for people to look through when I take my think break during our meeting. I also have a variety of magazines for outdoor enthusiasts, travellers, the organically minded, and everyday science buffs. And for those who like to think, I have a Sudoku Rubiks cube, and two puzzle challenges. I know our conversations can be hard work, and having something to take your mind away for a few minutes can be welcome.
Feedback: As part of my practice, I take a pause about 3/4 of the way through our meeting to reflect. It’s my time to really think about what we’ve been talking about—what’s important to you¸ what really stands out for me from our conversation, and what I would suggest you pay attention to or do over the next week or two as you move closer to living the life you want. I leave the room to do this and provide you with some feedback upon my return. It’s really important to me that I’ve been thoughtful about our meetings so that they make a difference in your life.
Furry comfort: One of the great things about having a private practice is getting to choose to bring my dog to work. I have been amazed how comforting she is for people to pet as we talk. She’s gentle and quiet and seems to help people feel at ease. I always give people the choice to have her in the room or not. She’s quite happy to stay under my desk on her bed in the waiting room but if she’s welcome, she’ll be happy to lean against you or lie at your feet.
It’s really important to me that you feel warm, safe, and comfortable so that we can have a conversation that makes a difference. For someone else’s perspective, please go to Jodi Aman’s article. I’d be interested in hearing from you!!
Posted on Tue, Nov 10, 2009
Last week I was at the annual Solution Focused Brief Therapy Association (SFBTA) conference in Albany. As usual, it was an incredible few days. Terri Pichot, a psychotherapist from Colorado and a board member of the association, talked about three levels of integration of solution-focused ideas that can take place as people learn about SFBT. Here’s my understanding of what she said:
The toolbox approach: Terri talked about how, when people are first learning solution-focused ideas, they believe they are a set of techniques to use and incorporate into their toolbox. The miracle and scaling questions are pulled out of this toolbox along with several other tools depending on the “problem”. Many people add to this toolbox from many therapy orientations throughout their professional lives and believe that this is a valuable way to work with their clients.
Solution-focused brief therapists: As some people continue their learning and thinking about solution focused brief therapy (SFBT), the assumptions or philosophies behind the approach can take on more importance and ideas about ‘technique’ can disappear. Therapists slow down, are more intentional about the questions they ask, and collaborate with their customers to do what works. SFBT becomes the way to approach counselling, coaching, or management.
The solution-focused way of life: This is like solution-focused nirvana. Terri describes someone who approaches every relationship—professional and personal—in a solution-focused way as living a solution focused life. Many can work at achieving this level for many years without fully getting there.
Comments are welcomed!! What do you think? Do you agree with this idea of levels of solution focused integration? Has there been an evolution in your conceptualization of solution focused ideas in this way, or has it looked different? What’s been helpful to you in growing your SFBT skills? What are some ways you can continue to grow your understanding of the assumptions and the approach?
I would love to hear from you!! Please leave a comment below…
Posted on Sat, Nov 07, 2009
Laughter is life’s greatest natural medicine. It’s good for the soul, for the mind, and for the body. When we have a really good belly laugh, the world seems like a better place. Troubles that seemed daunting can seem a little more manageable, and we can breathe a little more easily. Laughter gives us energy and allows us to focus better. It’s also good medicine for the immune system, is a great way to move past stress, is a trigger for those feel-good chemicals, the endorphins, is good for the heart, and can even reduce pain.
Another really great thing about laughter is that it’s contagious. Good moods spread. Relationships can become stronger, teams can function better, and groups can bond. Humour and the laughter it produces can really help change our perspective on things and add some zest to our lives and our relationships.
Enjoy a good laugh today!!
(Thanks to V. Yalom for this cartoon.)
Posted on Mon, Nov 02, 2009
As a kid in Banff, I often stepped in when other kids were getting bullied. It just didn’t seem fair to me that kids were getting picked on for the way their bodies or clothes looked, for being sensitive, or in my case, for being more serious and coming from one of “those families.” I wanted to show the kids who were being picked on that not everyone bullied and that some of us wanted to get to know them. I wanted to show the kids that were doing the bullying that not all of us would quietly watch and let them get away with it.
In my early adulthood, one of the girls who had been relentlessly bullied in my grade came to town and looked me up. She told me how one of our teachers had watched a boy throw a dictionary at her head and chose to ignore it. She went on to tell me that she was going to kill herself in grade nine when I started talking to her. We started hanging out on weekends going skiing or hanging out at one another’s houses. She told me I had saved her life and she wanted me to know.
Working in the helping profession seemed like a natural fit. My first job was in a group home with teens. Some of the kids came in with huge labels attached to them. “This one’s a pimp who took a baseball bat to someone. He’s a lost cause.” This same kid loved to be tucked into bed at night, to cry about some of the things he had done and to talk about how he wanted to do some things differently. I saw a boy who wanted to be accountable, not a hardened gang member.
Labelling continued: I moved on eventually to counselling kids and families and doing some preventative programming. I am sad to admit this but I sat in meetings with some professionals who were quick to label and write off kids and/or their families. One professional seemed to enjoy trying to figure out how he would diagnose a kid or family according to the DSM-IV-TR (the Diagnostic Statistical Manual IV-Text Revised), a manual used by psychiatrists and some psychologists to diagnose a problem. It seemed to be an exercise to boost his expert status, not to help a child or family. I felt like the minority, but I chose to focus on kid’s and family’s strengths. I began to learn about solution-focused ideas.
Focusing on Solutions: Getting the opportunity to work with other Alberta psychologists that used a solution-focused brief therapy approach (sfbt) was like a breath of fresh air. Here was an approach that assumed people were competent, that they had strength, and were actively working on trying to make things better–even if they and others didn’t always see it at first. This way of working was really hopeful for both the people I worked with and me. I could participate in and witness change–often quickly–despite some people experiencing some serious troubles. Who wouldn’ want to feel hopeful, motivated, and to live the life they want?
More and more professionals work this way now. See Lance Taylor at http://www.fittingsolutions.ca the Brief group http://www.brief.org.uk and a group of therapists in the U.S. http://www.solutionfocused.net
Want things to change? Let’s talk: reneemeggs@focusedsolutionscounselling.com