Posted on Tue, May 08, 2012
"In our culture, snails are not considered valiant animals — we are constantly exhorting people to 'come out of their shells' — but there’s a lot to be said for taking your home with you wherever you go." — Susan Cain
I suppose it's time I came out of the closet: I'm an introvert. And I'm a proud one too.
Recently I've been reading a book called Quiet, by Susan Cain, about introverts and what she calls the "extrovert ideal" that seems so prevalent in our culture.
The other day I was telling someone about her ideas about the rise of the extrovert ideal in the U.S. and how some introverted business gurus were putting that ideal on it's head. I was mentioning how some quieter people can bring thoughtful analysis and inquiry to the table. She began talking over me lamenting how much it drove her crazy when people took forever to make a decision. Is that what some people think introverts do--slow things down in painstaking and unnecessary ways? I would like to think not.
It got me thinking about introverted people I know--or know of--that I admire. I thought about the qualities I think are so aspirational about them.
Introvert Power at its Finest
Jane Goodall
As you know, Jane Goodall studied primates in Africa, despite not being a primatologist. She was passionate about her studies though and offered the Science world insights into apes that no one had previously studied.
She was comfortable working in the jungle alone or with a group of others. But when she heard at a primatology conference about the degradation of the landscape the apes inhabited, about the war and poverty that was impacting them, she knew she had to leave the jungle and inspire the public to protect these beautiful animals, their environment, and the people that lived near them.
Goodall is on the road for something like 340 days a year and has been so for over 25 years. She quietly shares stories of these incredible creatures and motivates people to act on behalf of them.
The Dalai Lama
I had the good fortune a couple of years ago to hear the Dalai Lama speak in Calgary. One of the ways he introduces himself to the audience is by saying, "You're not strangers, just friends I haven't met yet." He invites a heart-felt connection as he talks and seems to strengthen the bond between all of us.
He does this in a quiet, thoughtful, and well-spoken manner. He doesn't ooze in-your-face confidence or suave sophistication. He talks to a large audience the way he probably would a single person. His quiet, jovial, good-hearted nature is infectious.
Like Goodall, he's really believes in the message he's giving. He's really thought about what ideas we Westerner's might find appealing and he has educated the west about the plight of the Tibetan people while advocating peaceful resolution.
And you?
Are you, or do you know people who are quieter that offer unique talents, skills and ideas? How can you appreciate these abilities in yourself or those you know? Do you think there's an introvert advantage? I'd love to hear your comments!
Posted on Mon, Apr 23, 2012
She was planning his funeral. She thought about all the people she would invite, what her husband's best friend would say, what food and drink she would serve, and how she would record the whole thing so that when their daughter was old enough, she could watch the video to really get to know her dad.
There was only one problem. Her husband was very much alive--and healthy.
Alisa Bowman is a writer whose chosen to write with incredible humour, honesty, and realism about her own marriage and journey from fantasizing about her mate's death, to not being able to imagine life without him.
After having too much wine with a girlfriend one night, Bowman agreed to give her marriage one last try. As writers often do, she dove into the world of books reading everything she could about relationships and marriage. She shared little nuggets she thought were helpful and peppered her book with practical advice such as:
"If you are exhausted because you can't get your kid dressed, ask for help and ask for it out loud. Your husband can't hear the words inside your head. Only you can hear those! Be as specific as possible. "I need your help," is good, but "Can you please get her dressed because I'm about to throttle her" is even better."
Another great one was:
"Only take on one marital stressor at a time. If you are pregnant, don't get a puppy. If you are starting a new business, don't get pregnant. No matter what, never, ever in a million years consider starting a business, having a baby, and adopting a bad-behaving dog all at once."
I had to chuckle at this because of course, they did all three and she was at home alone with a baby and a bad puppy while her husband worked all hours of the day.
What I liked about this book was that it was so accessible. I think any woman whose ever contemplated leaving her marriage would find some solidarity in Alisa's prose. She really gets how hard it is to feel taken for granted, to feel like you're not a priority, the degree of frustration experienced before you start calling your husband names in your head (one of her favourites was "slacker"), and just how differently we can think about things.
It was also hopeful. Alisa realized she had to speak up about things in a way that helped her husband listen and she had to do it again and again. She also realized she had to look for what he was doing right instead of just what he was doing wrong. Eventually she was ready to start working on their sex-life and got a bikini wax in the shape of a martini glass. (Don't worry, I'm not suggesting that's what you have to do!)
For some humour, some tidbits, and for some hope, I'd recommend Project Happily Ever After: Saving your Marriage when the Fairytale Falters.
If you'd like to work on your relationship, I offer couple's counselling and retreats.
Posted on Tue, Apr 10, 2012
It was a beautiful blue sky day. One or two wisps of cloud danced in the sky. The temperature was perfect. Not too cold and not too hot. The snow was soft, fast, and plentiful.
The Summit Poma Lift awaited. My seven-year-old started up the lift for the first time ever without any worries. He easily kept the poma between his legs and kept his skis pointing up the hill. Up he went over little bumps. Up he went as the terrain steepened. Past the yellow ropes meant to stop falling skiers and snowboarders from careening down the hill into others coming up the poma. As he got over the steepest crest, he threw one fist up yelling, "Yaaaa!" and continued on up to the top.
Down Whitehorn run we skied--a great feat all-round for my little boy.
Later, we tried again. Overly confident, my son kept the poma between his legs and swung both arms above his head. A little further on, he hung on with his arms and lifted one leg and then the other zigzagging up the hill. He gazed back to see if I was looking. Horrified, I watched as he fell, trying unsuccessfully to right himself. The tears fell quickly too.
Twice more he tried from the start of the lift and fell again.
We took a break in the Terrain Park and went for a drink. "Mom, I want to go to the Summit again," he told me. So up we went.
It was painful to watch him fall again. Crying he said, "Mom, I'm soooo embarrassed!" I tried to reassure him that everyone falls on the Summit poma at one time or another. I asked him what he wanted to do. "Go again!" he shouted through clenched teeth.
Up once more I watched and held my breath. "Please make it, please make it!" I voiced in my head. As he cleared each place he had fallen before, I let my breath out a little bit more. Not until he voluntarily let the poma go at the top of the hill could I relax. Yahoo!
I was so proud of him--not only for doing it--but for persisting when he couldn't. I asked him what helped him do it and he said, "I just started to believe in myself."
Persistence and believing in yourself
It was a good reminder for me. Persistence and belief go a long way in helping us succeed. I knew he could do it. He knew he could do it, but that setback scared him and he temporarily forgot. It was scary!
Taking a break
But he kept on trying. He took a break when he was getting too frustrated and when he was ready, he came back and tried again. Doing this can be really helpful! Sometimes we keep plugging away at some obstacle relentlessly when what we really need to do is take a break from it.
Believing you can do something makes an amazing amount of difference. It's not cheesy or cliche--it's true! As Henry Ford once said, "Whether we think we can or we can't, we're right."
What are you doing to help yourself succeed?
Posted on Mon, Mar 19, 2012
Yesterday I attended a presentation by Brian Keating, a wildlife expert and anthropology professor. He talked about and showed videos on animals such as the narwhal, the penguin, the elephant, and the beaver with infectious enthusiasm. He spoke in such a juicy way that I wanted to brush off my hiking boots and get out there--right now!
He got me thinking about things that help me feel really alive--to feel really present and completely in the moment--and loving the moment I'm in. And I thought about how busy our lives generally are. So many of us are attached to our cell phones--talking on them, tweeting, checking Facebook, or texting--at the same time that we're with loved ones, or doing the myriad things we have to get done during the day.
At the end of the day we may or may not have time to really slow down and just be. We may not have made time in our days to do something that makes us feel really alive or to spend some time with someone giving them our undivided attention.
If we have days, months, or years like that, what impact does it have on us and those around us? How do we deal with stress when we're not having much fun?
The Miracle
Suppose you go to bed tonight, and when you're sleeping, something really bizarre happens. It's like a miracle. Your life changes, but because you're sleeping, you have no idea it's happened.
When you wake up, you notice that you are living from the heart. You live fully, completely in the moment and feel a contagious enthusiasm for life! Your loved ones, friends, and co-workers want to be around you to soak up even an ounce of your energy.
What would you be doing? Suppose you could see your life on an Imax screen, what would you see? What would you hear? What would you feel?
After you finish reading this paragraph, take a moment to close your eyes. See the colours, textures, shapes, and sounds. Feel what's happening with your body. Would you feel wind blowing through your hair? Would you feel something else? What would you be doing? What would it be like to be experiencing things deeply and passionately?
Who would notice you doing these things? What would they notice about you that would tell them you're living your life juicily? What difference do you think living like this would make to stress?
Living from the Heart Day-to-Day
At this point you may think, okay it's nice to think of and visualize these things, but life is what it is. I can't do exactly what I want 24/7!
What's something you can imagine doing over the next week that would be a sign you were living from the heart, even in the smallest of ways? Be tangible here. What is something you can do that will be a sign that you're allowing your heart to be touched by an experience?
As an experiment, why not keep track of the things you're doing that are signs you're living from the heart on a daily basis. At the end of each day, write or draw what you did. Pay attention to what difference doing this makes both in how involved you feel with your life, and how stressed (or not) that you feel.
What else is helping you to really pay attention and connect meaningfully with your life?
Posted on Thu, Mar 15, 2012
I just got back from a two week vacation in Mexico. It was heavenly. Really relaxing and really fun.
As we started to come back though, sh*t started to happen! My husband caught the stomach flu just hours before our flight. He was in rough shape. Then the winds prevented our last plane from being able to leave on time. By the time we landed, it was 1:00 AM, my son thought he was getting sick too and was crying and crying.
Shortly after we woke up the following day, we got a call that my step-son was in an accident during gym. We spent all day at the dentist and the hospital while they worked on his broken teeth and wrist.
We had to postpone our return to work while my son had another day off from school.
The following morning as I drove on the highway to work, my car broke down. My cell wasn't working. I had to walk back to town to a gas station and call for help. My timing belt was broken. It would take 5 hours labour minimum to get it fixed and more than $600. I had to postpone my return to work once more.
Sh*t Happens
The way I see it, bad luck just happens sometimes. There's no rhyme or reason for it, it just is what it is. But I do have some choices in how I let it influence me.
As luck would have it, my husband's stomach flu only lasted 24 hours. It certainly could've been a lot worse! My son wasn't getting sick, he was just plain tired. A really good sleep helped a lot. And he wasn't sad he had to miss school! He was thrilled to get to have some time with his brother and the dentist's administrator spoiled him rotten!
My step-son handled the casting and the tooth repair really well, despite it seeming to me like it would be quite painful. He joked with the medical staff and made the best of it. I was really proud of him.
My car broke down on the highway but very close to town. It took only 10 minutes to walk to a gas station. I was pretty fortunate! The repair shop that I took my car to had had two cancelations that morning so they got to work on it right away. Another stroke of luck! In the end they didn't have to order the whole timing belt kit so I saved some money. And the tow truck service man was so nice he drove me home from the repair shop. It was great to meet such a nice person!
What's the Lesson?
Did I want all this stuff to happen? No. But it did. Stuff like that can happen from time-to-time. I could wallow and ask why me? I could bitterly complain that that was a horrible end to a great holiday.
I don't see it that way. I think it was a good thing that I was feeling so relaxed when this stuff started to happen because I could take it all in stride. I was able to see each thing for what it was--a bit annoying perhaps--but not a big deal.
I can judge things that happen in my life as awful and be devastated by them, or I can acknowledge them and find a more helpful way to move past them. I choose the latter.
How about you? What do you do when bad luck happens?
Posted on Wed, Feb 29, 2012
Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill go up and down the hill on each other once a week for 30 minutes, whether they both feel like it or not. They have the routine down pat. In fact, neither one of them really needs to think about what they're doing because they long ago memorized the moves! If one or both of them doesn't orgasm, Jack is sure he's losing his touch. Jill's orgasming less and less and Jack is having a harder time getting hard. Both are starting to worry about their sex life and sometimes dread their Tuesday nights. But you've got to use it or lose it right?
Building anticipation
Okay, the last line is true. You do have to use it or lose it. The more you have sex, the more you feel like having it. But that's only true if you continue to do things to help you and your partner anticipate intimacy. Chances are doing the same things at the same time for the same amount of time ain't gonna do it.
People have different needs and wants. That's okay. Some are true romantics who love candle-lit dinners and an evening filled with romantic gestures and poetic language. Others are more interested in technique and work hard at being good at oral sex or focusing on the G-spot. Some like to watch ex-rated movies or get dressed up in sexy lingerie or S&M attire. Fantasies can play a role as well through your imagination or acting them out. Using what excites you and your partner and spending some time thinking about it ahead of time can help build a sense of anticipation that paves the way for a satisfying experience.
Variety
Shake it up! Suppose you used your creativity and imagination to create an amazing experience, what difference do you think it would make to the enjoyment you both had? Suppose you introduced variety and spontaneity into your sex lives, what difference do you think that would make?
Thinking back to the some of the most satisfying lovemaking or sexual experiences you've ever had, what happened? What was it that made it so good? Is there anything from those experiences that you could use again to boost you and/or your partner's desire?
Quality over quantity
Jack's habit of focusing on the outcome put a lot of pressure on both him and Jill. Focusing on giving one another pleasure and enjoying the process helps take away that pressure. When you are able to do things with your partner that you know s/he enjoys, you're expressing your feelings. Sex is about intimacy, of sharing yourself with the person you love in a way you don't with anyone else. That's more important than keeping tabs on how often you do the deed and how often each of you climaxes.
You deserve it
Sex can be fun, enjoyable, incredible, an expression of your love, or good stress management. You deserve to have these kind of experiences. Remember this because it too helps put the desire back into sex.
Want things to get better in your relationship? Let's talk.
Posted on Fri, Feb 24, 2012
In my work with couples, there is often some dissatisfaction around the frequency of sex. One person may feel deprived while the other feels pressured. The pressure can build to the point where there is little touching--whether it's sexual or not. The person who is missing sex tries to be patient but can become frustrated and blurt out comments that only make the situation worse.
Anger
Anger and resentment are absolute passion killers. When you have arguments that haven't been worked out in a way that leaves you feeling loved and understood, resentment can build. If you feel like you can't communicate together effectively, having sex may feel like the last thing you want to do.
Having angry sex doesn't help either. One or both of you ends of feeling dissatisfied.
Stress and Fatigue
Fatigue can also wreak havoc on desire. When you're working long, stressful days, parenting, and just plain busy, having sex can feel like something you have to check off your to-do list. How exciting is that?
Rebuilding Desire
There are some things you can do to re-build desire. First, take a look at your relationship. How are you feeling about the way you communicate? Do you feel emotionally connected to one another? Are you friends? Are you able to talk through things and let them go?
Being able to resolve disagreements and talk about anything that's bothering each of you goes a long way in helping you feel emotionally connected. Spending time working on your friendship, doing things you both enjoy, and doing things for one another also helps.
What is your work-life balance like? Do you feel like you have time for yourself and your relationship as well as work, kids if you have them, and responsibilities? Suppose your life was feeling less stressful and more enjoyable, what would you be doing? What are some small things you could do that would help simplify your life so that you had more time for both yourself and your relationship?
Building Desire Together
Non-demand pleasuring is the foundation of a healthy sexual relationship. Giving back or foot massages, holding hands, kissing, and touching without the expectation that it will lead to sex creates an intimate and close environment. Get in the habit of doing things for and with your partner that you know s/he enjoys without the expectation of having to have sex afterwards. Surprisingly perhaps, this can go a long way in rebuilding desire in relationships.
Sometimes in relationships couples get caught in blaming one another for their sex lives. Blame and guilt kill passion. Thinking about ways to work as an intimate team can be a much more helpful way to approach intimacy, desire, and sex. Talk about what turns each of you on, make requests and come up with agreements. Be willing to spend the time and energy it takes to build desire.
Want to talk about other ways to build desire? Let's talk.
Posted on Thu, Feb 16, 2012
Lots of couples that I work with grapple with communication and connection. How do you stay feeling connected when the communication isn't what you want it to be? How do you keep on trying when you're feeling so discouraged?
Communication Skills
One of the most important things I do in my retreats with couples is to help you improve your communication skills. Using some structured exercises, couples get the chance to practice new ways of talking about relationship issues. The skills aren't just introduced, they're practiced with some coaching to help you ask questions and listen differently. Couples find this really useful because you get the opportunity to have some very meaningful conversations together. When you feel like your partner really gets what you're trying to say, it can bring you closer together.
I often hear from people that they feel gridlocked talking about issues. Arguments can seem to take on some predictability--you don't get any further ahead and you both can feel frustrated and hurt at the end of them!
Adding to your communication skills repertoire helps you to dialogue about topics instead of battle. You can learn to talk differently with one another so that you don't feel like you have to defend yourself, get stuck criticizing one another, or avoid certain topics.
Rebuilding Connection
I've posted some blogs in the past about rebuilding connection:
Becoming Closer Friends: Marriage and Friendship
Creating Emotional Connection in Your Relationship
Rebuilding Your Relationship: Rediscovering Love and Connection
Relationship Distance: Crossing the Oceans Apart
I've written a lot about it because it seems to be such a common concern for couples. How do you stay connected amidst kids, busy work schedules, the million-and-one tasks that need to be done, other relationships you want to attend to, and time for yourself?
Perhaps not surprisingly, working on your communication can make a big difference in how connected you feel. If you feel like your partner really understands you and is interested in what you have to say regardless of whether you're having an argument or not. The conflict doesn't get in the way of the relationship because you're communicating effectively.
Intimacy in Relationships
Not only can communicating in a way that works for both of you help with feeling connected, it can also help with intimacy. Nothing kills passion quicker than burning resentment and anger. When you feel that your partner makes a concerted effort to listen and understand your perspective, you may find yourself feeling in the mood a little more often!
Couple's Retreat
Taking some time to focus on your relationship away from all your daily responsibilities can make a big difference in your relationship. It can help you decided whether or not you're going to stay together, can help you strengthen your relationship, and can bring communication and connection to the forefront. Want things to get better? Let's talk.
Posted on Sun, Feb 05, 2012
What an amazing life!
Winter mountain guides have an amazing job. You take people skiing on amazing, often untracked terrain, lead adrenalin junkies up ice falls, and get to spend all day outside. Oh the life!
The guests
People who hire a mountain guide often have the experience of their lives. Being in the most incredibly beautiful scenery, feeling the sun on their faces, seeing the wind blow gusts of soft, billowy powder off the tops of cornices, turning on a dime through trees, jumping off small cliffs--how could life be any better?
The reality of experience
Most of the time it's like this-absolute bliss. But for a guide that's been in the business for awhile, there's another, not so pleasant side. It's the impact of avalanches. Unfortunately, if you've been working for a few years, you're going to experience them, despite your best efforts.
There's the near misses or partial burials. There's the full burials that get rescued quickly, those that don't, and the multiple burials that take thinking on your feet to a new level. There's the avalanches you get called into help with, the ones that happen with a friend, with a guest you've gotten to know, or ones you get caught in yourself.
Soldier on
Traditionally, mountain guides would go through an avalanche and act as if everything were fine. Even if counselling support was offered, they'd say no. They'd soldier on and keep the stress to themselves.
Stress, what stress?
Let's admit it, avalanches have an impact. And not everyone is impacted in the same way. Some possibilities might be:
- difficulty sleeping
- feeling jumpy
- questioning your judgment
- feeling irritable
- feeling burnt out
- worrying or stressing a lot
- not enjoying yourself anymore
- drinking more
- taking too many risks
- being too careful
- losing your appetite
- losing motivation
- a big drop in energy
- wanting to be alone
- going over the event in your mind again and again
- getting into arguments over little things
What can you do?
It's going to sound obvious, but taking care of yourself physically is really important. Make sure you're getting enough to eat of good food, drink lots of water, get enough sleep, and cut down on that alcohol.
Spend time with the important people in your life. If you're away at work and can call or skype a partner or a close friend, do so. Talk about what's going on. Get their support.
Talk with your team. You can bet other people are going through some similar things. It can make a difference to know you're not alone.
Talking with a professional
Talking with a therapist can also be helpful--especially if you're feeling like you don't want to burden others. Talking with a psychologist can be helpful in making sense of what you're experiencing, and figuring out ways to take care of yourself as you try to move forward.
What about you? What's helped you to move forward? I'd love to hear your comments!
Posted on Fri, Jan 27, 2012
You can't teach an old dog new tricks
We've all certainly heard the excuse, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." How often do we let ourselves off the hook from starting something or sticking to it when it comes to goals we create for ourselves?
If you've read any of my previous blogs, you may know that I love to share stories. I'm going to share some more about people who did things later in life-when many would've said it's too late.
People who have done what they wanted
Did you know that Julia Childs was nearly 50 by the time she published her first cookbook, Mastering the Art of French Cooking? She discovered how much she loved French food in her mid-thirties, attended a cooking school, joined a cooking club for the love of cooking, and only later decided to share her honed skills to Americans?
Benjamin Franklin came up with bifocal lenses at the ripe age of 78, Agatha Christie wrote The Mousetrap, at age 62, and Vladmir Horowitz performed piano recitals until the age of 84. Ken Robinson, in his book, The Element, gives loads of examples of people who became famous later in life, not because they had given into self-imposed ageism, but because they followed their goals and passions despite their age.
Robinson tells the story of Susan Jeffers, a psychologist who published the book, Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway in her 40's. After getting her PhD in psychology and getting a divorce, Jeffers began attending a myriad of workshops to become more empowered and self-aware. Eventually, she taught a workshop about feeling fear and doing it anyways which she created week-by-week, despite feeling terrified! When she decided to publish her workshop as a book, she was rejected by many publishers, one of whom rejected her in a horrible way: "Lady Di could be bicycling nude down the street giving this book away, and no one would read it!" After leaving her manuscript for a few years, she tried again and managed to publish a best seller.
Eddie Hunter is a local legend in Banff. In his 86th year, Eddie has skied for over 75 years. As recently as two years ago, I saw him teaching skiing at Norquay. I see him working at his daughter's store next door to my office and realize we're only as old as we feel.
Goals and age
What does this have to do with goals? Everything! Are you going to let excuses stand in your way of reaching your goals? Are you going to give into the idea that you're too old to live your dream? Are you going to buy into the idea that someone your age should behave a certain way?
Dr. Suess?
To quote Dr. Seuss in Oh, The Places You'll Go!:
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.
...And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
Be a kid all your life and do what you want to do. I'd love to hear what you decide!