Focused Solutions Blog

Beating Procrastination: Creating Change Now

“Procrastination is the art of keeping up to yesterday.” ~Don Marquis

Beating procrastination, creating new habits, or changing the way you do things is hard. It’s often said it takes 3 weeks of persistently doing something for it to become a habit.

 

How do you create change that’s going to last? For many, it’s not so easy as just following Nike’s famous slogan: Just Do It. If it were that easy, we’d all be doing the things we know are good for us--right?

 

“If you want to make an easy job seem mighty hard, just keep putting off doing it.” ~Olin Miller

 

In early July this year, my hard drive on my computer crashed.  I was really ticked because my computer was only one and a half years old. So, I made the decision to get a Mac hoping it would last longer.

Unfortunately, my learning curve wasn’t as simple as I had imagined and only last week did I start to feel like I had everything needed to get my job done. Things like my blog got left undone for far too long. Was procrastination rearing its ugly head?

 

I have to admit that during this time, writing my weekly blog kept getting bumped down my to do list. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy writing it because I do, but my best laid plans just never seemed to come to fruition. The saying, “Procrastination is something best put off until tomorrow” (Gerald Vaughan) became an irritating motto.

 

So what helped me move past it and move on? How did I stop procrastination from growing horns and becoming an evil monster? Well I can tell you absolutely that beating myself up about it didn’t work. Nor did fear tactics—“if you don’t do this you’re going to wreck all the hard work you’ve done” and other such nonsense. What worked was...inspiration. What better to write about than the thing that had been growing over the last few weeks and by doing so, would begin its demise?

 

I got excited about writing about procrastination and how to create change.  I found that the more I thought about it, the more the inspiration came. I just started doing it. Maybe there really is something to that Nike slogan...

 

How to create change:

 

Sorry but there's no one way to create change. And what may work for you may not work for someone else. There are some ideas, however, that I’ve written about on change and goals in the past. See:

• Change: Shift Happens!
• Sticking with Goals that are Good for You!
• Passionate Goals
• Resolutions or “To do lists?” and
• Six Easy Steps to Living Your Dream!

 

For some, getting some life skills coaching can help. For others, getting really sick and tired of something is helpful. You may find it helps to create a plan, set your mind to it, or find some inspiration. Knowing you as you do, what helps you get out of the starting gate?

 

Here's a suggestion: Over the next week or two, do something different—no matter how crazy or off the wall it seems. Have fun!! Let me know what you come up with!!

 

About the author, Renee Meggs:

I'm a Registered Psychologist who works with adults and children to help them do what works, both in counselling and coaching. If you’d like to book an appointment or inquire about my services, please e-mail me at reneemeggs@focusedsolutionscounselling.com and/or go to my website at http://reneemeggs.com. I can meet with you in person, on the phone (403-762-3040), or on-line.

Relationship Distance: Crossing the Oceans Apart

A relationship example...

I was working with a couple. Let’s call them Marj and Jack. They had been married for 10 years and had three children. Marj made sure that everyone got to their day-to-day tasks, commitments, and activities. She also managed the cleaning, cooking, laundry, and other domestic tasks.

Jack loved to plan and do things with the family. Whether it was skiing, biking, or camping, he got the kids and his wife out there and believed chores could wait another day. Unfortunately, his quest for fun often left Marj feeling disrespected and unappreciated. She had tried talking with Jack, but felt increasingly resentful as her attempts seemed to go unheard. He felt she needed to relax and enjoy life more. Over time, both of them dealt with their frustrations with emotional distancing. Their relationship seemed to lose its vitality as each waited for the other person to change. Knowing their marriage was at risk of dissolution, they contacted me.

The Miracle

I asked each of them to imagine when they went to bed tonight, and fell asleep, a miracle happened. The miracle was that the troubles that had brought them to my office had been resolved, but because they were sleeping, they had no idea. I asked them to consider what signs they would begin to notice when they got up and as their day progressed, that would tell them that things were different.

What do you think each of them said? If you were in this situation, what would you say? What would you be doing when things are going exactly the way you want them to in your relationship? If you find yourself saying things like, “I wouldn’t have to...” or “S/he would be...”, pause for a moment, and consider what you would be doing instead. Try to be as detailed as you can.

Marj said she would cuddle in the morning with Jack before they got out of bed. Jack indicated they would have some early morning sex. He would then get up and make Marj coffee and get breakfast going. Marj and Jack would work together to clean up the breakfast dishes, and plan their day as it was the weekend. Marj would invite Jack and the kids to help her get things ready and would appreciate Jack’s support in working as a team...

I elicited as many details as I could from each of them, talked about what the other partner would notice her/him doing, and asked them what the kids would notice was different. Eventually, we discussed ways bits of this miracle were happening even in the smallest of ways in their relationship now.

Marj and Jack were amazed to discover they wanted some similar things. As an experiment, I invited each of them to pick a day over the next week and act “as if the miracle had happened”, without letting the other person know that was the day s/he had chosen. I asked them to pay attention for signs of the miracle in their relationship—especially what each of them was doing that was a sign of the miracle, and to notice what difference it made in how their day went.

How about you?

Relationship distance can grow when each person within the relationship is waiting for the other to change or to make the first step. Focusing instead on what you’re doing that’s helping the relationship go the way you want it to can help move your relationship forward and bring that connection back again. Suppose this miracle happened in your relationship? What would you be doing that was different?

Renew your connection 

Take the time to re-connect during a couple's retreat in Banff, Alberta. Click the link below for more info:

Negotiating Relationships: Independence and Connection

Time together and apart

Have you and your partner ever talked about how much time you should spend together or apart? How much time you should focus on the two of you, and how much time you should do things with friends, family members, or on your own? Is it something you think about, at least on occasion?

We all grow up learning directly from our parents and others in our world what romantic relationships are supposed to be like. Sometimes we make the decision to do the opposite of our pseudo-role models. Sometimes we can take it for granted that couples spend their leisure time together—or we assume that we’re supposed to pursue our own hobbies with our friends and spend quiet time with our partners. The point is we all have some ideas about independence in relationships and connection in them.

Has how you want to spend your time (with or without your partner) ever created problems in your relationship?

Do you and your partner’s lives totally overlap and you do nothing without the other? Do you lead pretty independent lives despite loving one another? Do you do something in between?

The independence-connection tango

There is no right or wrong way to be in your relationship. It’s just the way couples are. A common dilemma for partners, however, is to figure out this separateness and connection in a way that fits for both of you--knowing each has different needs and desires. Things may change for either or both of you as well in different stages of your lives.

Talking with your significant other:

Here’s something you may want to try with your partner. Give him/her a piece of paper and take one for yourself. On your own, draw where you think you are currently. Next, draw where you’d like to be. Now talk about it. Are you surprised at both of your answers or are they what you expected? Are you happy with the way things are right now, or do you wish they were different? Suppose things continue the way they have been. Are you good with that? Suppose you become more connected? What difference will that make in your relationship? What if you became more independent? What difference will this make? What’s your preference?

Negotiating relationships isn't easy but it's an important part of having a healthy partnership.

Rebuilding your Relationship: Rediscovering Love and Connection

 

You and your partner have worked all day long. You're home now and tired. But there's dinner to make, dishes to do, tidying, and laundry. If you have kids, there's a whole lot more to the list-spending time with her/him/them, helping with homework, going to extra-curricular activities-possibly more than one if you have more than one child. Where do you fit time in for you, let alone your partner??

It can be really easy to get caught up in day-to-day responsibilities and feel as if you have no time for anything else. We've all been there. As the days, months , and years carry on, however, you may start to feel as if you're roommates and nothing else.

How do you re-kindle your relationship?

Suppose you and your partner or spouse could do something together that you both really enjoy. What would it be? A walk? A romantic meal? Exercise? An art show? What else would you like to with him or her?

What's something you've done in the past that you both really enjoyed? Take a moment to go back to memory lane. Where were you? What did you do? What did you see and hear? Spend a few moments reflecting on it... What made this experience so good?

What did you do that helped make that time together memorable? How about your partner?

Where have you gone on a holiday together that you really loved? What did you do? What made that time so special for both of you?

How often do you go to the horizontal disco together?  

Sexual intimacy is a really important part of a relationship. What do you do to encourage intimacy? What do you do to make the experience good, relaxing, fun-filled, or loving? What helps you and your partner want to have sex together?

"We shouldn't have to work at our relationship!!"

I've heard people say that it shouldn't be so much work to be together-that things should just flow naturally. Ideas like this can lead to questions about whether you're meant to be together or not, or whether there's anything you should do to save your marriage or partnership.

The early days... 

Consider when you first started dating. Did you make plans together, decide what you were going to do and make preparations to do them? Of course you did!! At the very least, you made sure you had a shower, did your hair, and put on some nice clothing. And you probably did other things to make sure you had a good time together. What did you do to plan for your date?

It may have been really exciting to put that effort in because everything was so fresh and new. What are you doing now that helps maintain some freshness? What could you do that would help you re-build your relationship? Suppose you were just beginning dating, what would you do to connect with this person? What might you do now to re-connect?

Spending time together alone doing things you both enjoy makes a difference. Re-connecting can save marriages or partnerships. It takes thought, some effort, and some time. What will you do?

Renew your love and connection 

Take the time to re-connect during a couple's retreat in Banff, Alberta. Click the link below for more info:

8 Benefits of Relaxation

Here's a list of reasons why relaxation is so important. As a psychologist and life coach, I still need to remind myself of its value. Not because I don't inherently know it, but because although it's something I aim to do daily, it can sometimes seem like a million-and-one other things need to get done first. You see, I'm also a mother, a step-mother, a wife, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a friend, a conference chairperson, a volunteer, and a woman. Like many other people I can still get swept away in the busy momentum of life--and relaxation, at times can seem like it just doesn't come often enough.

Why do we need to relax?

1. When we give ourselves some time to slow down, to do something soothing, calming, and something we really enjoy, the world can seem like a different place. Relaxation gives us the opportunity to find perspective-even when we're not actively looking for it.

2. Relaxation can rejuvenate us and help rebuild our energy reserves. Without effort, slowing down feeds our bodies so we can do the things we do during our daily lives.

3. Relaxation can also give us some reprieve from our day-to-day problems. When I'm sitting in a hot tub overlooking the mountains, lying in a sauna feeling the heat drain away tension, or listening to some good music, I can just be in the moment.

4. Relaxation can really help us sleep. Probably most of us have at least once been kept awake by thoughts-of what we have to do the next day, of how we're going to solve a problem, of something that's happened in the near or distant past, or by meaningless and random thoughts that just won't go away. When we're really relaxed, sleep comes more easily and we're able to get some much needed rest.

5. Relaxation is great stress management. Okay, you may be thinking-duh!! Of course it is!! Then why is it we sometimes forget one of the greatest ways to manage stress is to chill?

6. Have you ever found that when you relax, you solve problems without even thinking about them? It's amazing that solutions can come when we're not even thinking of them.

7. Another great bonus of relaxation is that it can help re-focus us because we rested and re-energized. Our minds can think more clearly and sharply when we've given it a rest.

8. One of the most important benefits of relaxation-for me at least-is that it can help me remember what's really important to me. It gives me the opportunity to get off automatic pilot and remember why I'm doing something, it helps get me back on track, and it helps me re-connect with the people most important to me in my life.

What does relaxation mean to you? Is it...

• Listening to music?
• Going for a walk?
• Watching a good movie?
• Having a massage?
• Laughing with others?
• Being with your best friend?
• Having a hot bath, perhaps with essential oils or bubble bath?
• Meditating?
• Exercising?
• Playing a board game?

Relaxation comes in many forms. What helps you to rejuvenate yourself and manage your stress? I'd love to hear your comments!!

Is Anxiety the Elephant in Your Room?

 

I'm working with a lot of people these days who are being influenced by worry, anxiety, or panic. Some know exactly what's worrying them. For others, it seems like a mystery. All they know is that the feeling suddenly hits like a ton of bricks and it can be quite debilitating, let alone frightening.

What do you do that helps when you're worried, anxious, or panicking that helps you feel better? Do ideas around mindfulness make sense to you?

"The Elephant in the Room"

This now very common expression, is used when someone is trying his or her hardest to ignore or deny something that's as obvious or as big as an elephant would be in a room.  This issue isn't something you can just  ignore!!!

Some people find worry can be like that elephant. No matter how hard we try to push worry away, ignore her, force her away, or pretend she's not there, she sticks around bugling loudly. What do you think about the idea of accepting her, noticing her, acknowledging her-and focusing on the here-and-now? Would focusing on your breath when these thoughts come help?

Let me explain a little more. The idea is to take the effort, the struggle, or the energy out of anxiety or panic by choosing to focus on the present moment. Think of the willow tree. Its narrow limbs bend with the wind. It doesn't stand stiffly fighting gusts or steady gales. It merely bends, allowing the wind to blow around it without trying to make it go away. The wind will eventually go away and the willow will bend until it does. And if it doesn't bend-it will surely break.

Awhile ago, I wrote about an exercise that may also help when you're distracted or consumed with worry or anxiety called 5-4-3-2-1. It can be a really helpful way to bring you back to the here and now.

Another practice that can be helpful is to meditate or practice mindfulness. I wrote about creating mindfulness through your breath last week. I also wrote about it in the blog, Mindfulness is on my to do list.

I have heard people say, "I tried it once and it was too hard," or "I never could slow down my mind so I gave up." 

Meditation, like anything new, takes practice, patience, and discipline. It takes a daily commitment. Start small. Spend 5-8 minutes a day and do it every day-no matter what else is happening in your life. If you're looking for some information on various kinds of meditation and are a beginner, a good book is: 8 Minute Meditation.

With practice, mindfulness/meditation can become easier and something you can look forward to each day without having to ignore the elephant but rather as a way to deal with worry by accepting, relaxing, calming down and moving on.

Mindfulness through your Breath

 

Simple but not easy...

I know when I first thought about mindfulness and meditation, I thought about Indian gurus spending their lives in caves in India practicing the art their entire lives. It seemed so unattainable!! But when I investigated further, I realized meditation, mindfulness, visualization, hypnosis-whatever you want to call it-is actually pretty simple. It can practiced in lots of different ways. Below is an example of focusing your attention on your breath.

Getting ready...

If you're practicing mindfulness and focused attention for the first time, it's a good idea to go to somewhere quiet, calm, and relaxing. If you can, turn down the lights. Turn off the TV or your music. Put on some loose and comfortable clothing. Get in a comfortable position. You can sit or lie down. Instructions, instructions eh?

Assume the position...

Rest your hands on your belly. Breathe in relaxation and breathe out the tension. If you need to, adjust your body so you feel really comfortable. Breathe in and breathe out. Do a body scan and focus your attention on any tight spots. Feel your hands move out as your breathe in and and your hands move inwards as you breathe out. Get into a comfortable rhythm with your breathing, slowing it down as you relax. Do this for 10 minutes.

The racing mind...

For most of us, our minds can start thinking of all sorts of different things as we try to focus on our breath. If and when these thoughts do come, observe them and return your attention to your breathing. There is no need to feel frustrated, to try to force the thoughts away, or to chastise yourself for having the thoughts come. Again, just notice them and focus on your breath, your hands, and the slow rhythmic motion of your belly. If it seems hard, accept what is and breathe.

When is it helpful to do this?

What do you think? When might it be helpful to practice this exercise? Would it be helpful when you're feeling worried or need some way to manage your stress? Would it be effective as a way to slow down after a harried day? Would it be helpful as a way to start your day?

There are no right or wrong answers. I'd be interested in hearing from you. When might you use this practice?

The Demise in Problems in Living: The Rise of Mental Disorders

Diagnosing someone with a mental disorder such as anxiety or depression requires ensuring the person meets a certain number of criteria of a particular disorder. The disorders and their criteria are listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-4th edition, text revised (the DSM-IV-TR). There is growing concern that more and more disorders are being "discovered" and are shrinking what is considered normal.

The sickening of our society 

The first DSM manual was published in 1952, was 132 pages and listed 128 disorders. The current DSM-IV-TR is 886 pages and lists 357 disorders. Are we getting sicker or are normal problems in living becoming pathologized? When did shyness become a sickness? Isn't it normal that we grieve when someone we love dies? Do we have to get over it by a prescribed period of time to prevent being labelled with major depressive disorder? When did eccentricity become a problem requiring medication?

What's considered normal is shrinking

A vocal critic of the new draft of the DSM is Dr. Allen Frances. He was chairman of the taskforce for the current edition of the DSM and participated in the previous two versions. His concerns include "the shrinking domain of the normal" and the possibility that innocent bystanders could become pathologized, labeled as having a mental disorder and given unnecessary drugs and other treatments.

Unfortunately, increasing numbers of people are being diagnosed with a mental disorder. In 1955, 1 out of 468 Americans were hosptalized because of a mental illness. By 1987, 1 out of 184 were disabled enough to require long term disability.(Source: Anatomy of an Epidemic) 

Children are being diagnosed and medicated at alarming rates. The number of mentally ill children in the U.S. grew exponentially between 1996 and 2007 while the number of kids with cancer and other life threatening illnesses declined. Are we all going crazy or is something else happening? (Source: Anatomy of an Epidemic)

What's the problem? 

All of us experience troubles in living at various times in our lives. But it seems that life's troubles are being usurped by well intentioned professionals and transformed into diagnosable disorders.

Obviously, there are times when a diagnosis is warranted and even helpful. But sometimes problems can occur when drugs are considered the only solution and a quest is begun to find the right drug that's going to work. Unfortunately, drugs have side affects, are more or less effective for an individual, and seem to lose their effectiveness after a period of time. Some may end up with a cocktail of drugs of increasing potency that contribute to decreased functioning in everyday life.

As a psychologist, I've unfortunately worked with people who have been encouraged to believe their "disorder" is life long and medication is the only treatment that is going to be effective in "managing and controlling symptoms." What does this do to the person's sense of personal control and responsibility? At what point does the diagnosis become the person and take over a person's life completely?

As a solution-focused therapist, I can work with you to help you move past troubles, to discover what works for you, and to help you live the life you want. I provide counselling in person, online, or by phone.

 

0 Comments Click here to read/write comments Tags: online counselling, phone counselling, therapy, depression, anxiety, mental disorders, problems in living

Worry or Anxiety Be Gone!!

All of us worry sometimes. There are times though, when worry or anxiety can seem like it’s taking over your life. I often work with people who are troubled by worry or anxiety and collaborate with them to come up with solutions that are going to work for them.

5-4-3-2-1

 

There’s an exercise that might be helpful for you to practice and experiment with to put worry aside and get back into your life. It’s called 5-4-3-2-1 and one of the great things about it is that you can do it anywhere anytime. This is how it goes:

Look around. What are 5 things you can see? What are 5 things you can hear? This one may take some concerted effort. Really stop and listen. What are 5 things you can feel? Can you feel the chair you’re sitting on? Your feet on the floor? What else can you feel?

Now what are 4 things you can see? Don’t worry about making sure they’re different than the first 5. What are 4 things you can hear? Again, it’s okay if some or all of them are the same as above. What are 4 things you can feel?

Look around again. What are 3 things you can see? Are you seeing a pattern in this exercise? What are 3 things you can hear? And 3 things you can feel?

What are 2 things you can see, hear, and feel? Finally, what is 1 thing you can see, feel, and hear?

Where are you now–in your head or in the room? You can repeat this as many times as needed. Many people find this exercise helps bring them back into the here and now. How about you?

What else helps you put worry or anxiety aside and get on with your day? I’d be interested in your feedback!

About the author:

Renée Meggs is a Registered Psychologist who works with adults and children to help them do what works, both in counselling and coaching. If you’d like to book an appointment or inquire about my services, please e-mail me at reneemeggs@focusedsolutionscounselling.com and/or go to my website at http://www.reneemeggs.com. I can meet with you in person, on the phone, or on-line.

Speaking up about Workplace Bullying

I was working with someone who was being mobbed . One of the things that he really found helpful was to do some internet research. He found out he wasn’t the only one, how he was feeling was common, discovered some strategies, and appreciated reading about different forms of workplace bullying because it helped him name the injustices he was experiencing.

Last night I was at a BBQ and talked with someone who had had to fire someone who had been bullying co-workers for 40 years. 40 years!!! People were terrified of him and didn’t feel safe enough–emotionally or physically–to speak up.

Who gets bullied? 

Typically I don’t like to categorize people because I think it can be limiting, pervasive and can be oppressive, despite the helping profession’s attempt to be helpful.

People who are bullied in the workplace, however, seem to be described according to their strengths. What a nice change!! People who have been targeted are described as the most skilled person in the workplace, independent, ethical, honest, non-confrontative, cooperative, and a high achiever. Does that seem to fit for you?

Why don’t people speak up?

We’re adults now, right? Is it possible that people who are being targeted are told overtly or covertly to suck it up, that they’re acting like babies, or that somehow their behaviour has invited the attacks?

Do you have any experiences with being bullied at work?

How did you respond? What helped you to move past it? Did you address it directly with the person, with your employer, did you change jobs, or did you do something else?

Speaking up…

What do you think encourages people to speak up? If we witness bullying or unfair treatment, do we have any responsibility to say something? If you are or were being bullied, what might you do to try to make things better?

The No Bully for Me website suggests several things people might consider doing to take a stand. These include talking directing with the person doing the bullying, being firm with your convictions, finding support through the web or professionally, checking company policies around workplace bullying, and “fighting the good fight and then moving on.”

What do you think? What’s been helpful to you? What’s helped you to feel even a little bit better? What steps do you think you could take, or have you taken, to stand up? Suppose you did stand up with the person or people tormenting you, how confident are you that things would change? What will be some signs that you’ve tried your best and it’s time to do something else?

Unfortunately, workplace bullying is all too common. Fortunately, there professionals like psychologists and others who can help.

About the author:

Renée Meggs is a Registered Psychologist who works with adults and children to help them do what works, both in counselling and coaching. If you’d like to book an appointment or inquire about my services, please e-mail me at reneemeggs@focusedsolutionscounselling.com and/or go to my website at http://www.reneemeggs.com. I can meet with you in person, on the phone, or on-line.