Focused Solutions Blog
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Responding to AbuseThere is a lot of information and support for people who have experienced sexual, physical, and verbal abuse and neglect. Traditional support seems to regard people who have been abused as somehow damaged, dysfunctional, and deficient. There is, however, a growing idea that people respond to abuse in a variety of ways, that they do things to try to stop the abuse, that they may thwart the efforts of the abuser, and may actively do things to protect others from abuse. I want to share some thoughts about both approaches. Traditional ideas:Traditionally, people who have been abused have been seen as being really affected by the abuse. There is a belief amongst many traditional helping professionals that this leads people to create dysfunctional patterns such as having no boundaries, seeking out further abuse, or passively staying in dysfunctional relationships. The idea goes further by describing people as being damaged, dysfunctional, or deficient as a result. People are discredited, seen as abnormal, inadequate or lacking in some way. How dishonouring is that?!?!Newer ideas : Response-based therapyThere is a growing idea that people resist abuse overtly and covertly–that they do things to show to themselves and others that they object to the abuse. Some overt ways might include telling the abuser to STOP IT! or to run away. Covert ways people resist abuse could include saying something to themselves like, I hate him! or She can get to my body but she’ll never get to my soul!! or I don’t deserve this!! It’s important to note that resistance doesn’t necessarily mean the person is successful in stopping the abuse. Resistance is making a stand, it’s opposition, and it’s taking action against the abuse through thoughts, feelings, words, or by doing something. Whether the person is ultimately successful or not is not the point. The point is that people don’t passively accept abuse. They do a variety of things to demonstrate to themselves or others that the abuse is wrong. Amplifying this in therapy can help conversations transform from I put up with the abuse for years before I left to I did a lot of things to try to stop the abuse; from I’ve never had good boundaries in my relationship to I told him many times to stop but he refused. What does it all mean?People use a variety of tactics to prevent, stop, or resist bad treatment. To say people who have been abused become damaged, deficient, or dysfunctional denies acknowledgement of how people respond to, or resist abuse. Amplifying the ways people respond to abuse is honouring and allows room for other strengths to been seen and heard. About the author:Renée Meggs is a Registered Psychologist who works with adults and children to help them do what works, both in counselling and coaching. If you’d like to book an appointment or inquire about my services, please e-mail me at reneemeggs@focusedsolutionscounselling.com and/or go to my website at http://reneemeggs.com. I can meet with you in person, on the phone, or on-line.
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Success: Trying Your BestThe 2010 Winter Olympics have ended. I have to say I have never been so touched, proud, amazed, awed, excited, and patriotic. The athletes exemplify everything that can remind us of trying our best, of perservering when the odds are against you, of giving it all you have to make a difference–in your life–and in the life of others. What did they show us? Brian Keever is a cross-country skier who is visually impaired and was, for the first time, crossing the previously insurmountable barrier between the Olympics and Para- Olympics. The day before his 50 km race, the Canadian coaches decided to cut him from the team. I suppose you could argue that the coaches re-instated the barrier with that decision. But having been chosen for the Canadian team in the first place has shown us that it’s possible to perservere and be as good as, or better than others even when the odds are against you. Brian has raised awareness of differently-abled people and of what is possible when you work for it hard enough. Another cross-country skier absolutely awed and amazed me with her grit and determination. Slovanian Petra Majdic won a bronze medal skiing with 5 broken ribs and a punctured lung. She said it best: “It was really worth it to show the people of the world never give up on your dreams and at least try to make your best.” Sometimes trying your best might not get you the results you want. Chris del Bosco, a Canadian ski-cross racer, beat addiction and wanted one last chance to show the world what he was capable of. He was close to winning a bronze, pushed for silver–and fell. Did he make a mistake? Did he get greedy, or did he simply try his damned best? What about Joannie Rochette, the Canadian figure skater whose mother died of a heart attack during the Olympics and prior to her competition? Many of us might have been too grief stricken to continue but she chose to compete in honour of her mom and won a bronze. So what did they show us? For me, they showed perserverance. Perservere despite challenges, barriers, and seeminly insurmountable obstacles. They showed me that although I may not be successful every time, I know through perserverance, effort, and giving it my very best, I will up my chances. And as I put in my best effort, I’m reminded of the Olympic motto, “higher, stronger, faster” and paraphrase it for my life into stronger, wiser, confident. How about you? About the author:Renée Meggs is a Registered Psychologist who works with adults and children to help them do what works, both in counselling and coaching. If you’d like to book an appointment or inquire about my services, please e-mail me at reneemeggs@focusedsolutionscounselling.com and/or go to my website at http://reneemeggs.com. I can meet with you in person, on the phone, or on-line.
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Change: Shift Happens!!Ideas about Change:The psychology and coaching fields have lots of ideas about change–what facilitates change, what maintains change, and whether change is even possible. Systems theorists talked about trying to get to a ’state of homeostasis’, where the system—i.e. your life within your context–was balanced. Change was considered bad within this context and ‘maintaining’ healthy ‘patterns’ was the goal. Another idea about change was Prochasta’s and DiClemente’s 6 stages of change. Simply put, in the first stage, you don’t know there’s a problem so there’s no reason to change; in the second, you know there’s a problem, but don’t really know if you want to do anything about it; in the third, you’re tentatively making some plans to make some changes; during the 4th, you take action for at least 3-6 months; in the 5th, you maintain the changes for anywhere from 6 months to 5 years, and the last stage occurs when your new healthy habits are entrenched. Focused solution therapists like myself, believe change is constantly happening. Change can happen really quickly and the solution may have nothing to do with the problem. Solution focused therapists help you focus on what you want and what you can do to get there. We think about change as little steps you can take to help things go the way you want them to go. The focus becomes about goals, on what you specifically want, and progress or change is talked about throughout the process. What may be helpful is making refinements in the steps along the way. My recent experience with change/goal setting:You may remember me talking about my challenge creating new habits with food. All during the fall I knew there was something wrong and was trying to bring myself back to health by getting lots of sleep, taking my vitamins, and eating well. What I didn’t know was that a lot of the food I was eating was making me sick. Eventually, I keyed into food’s role and went to get some allergy testing. For a time, I experimented with moderation. It was Christmas afterall! Once I got serious about these changes, I found myself eating the forbidden foods once in awhile whilst thinking, it’s not fair, and trying once again to stick to my plan. Eventually, I did some reading on food intolerances and really got a good handle on what was happening to my body when I had that cream in my coffee or a bite of freshly baked bread. What I read made sense to me and I was able to accept and embrace idea of a changed diet. The forbidden foods I had been eating no longer seemed appealing because I knew what the outcome would be. I’ve begun to really enjoy the meals I’m making and love how good I’m feeling. Would I say these were stages? No. I know the process might look very different for someone else. Once my new diet made sense to me, it was meaningful and I believed in it, I no longer felt deprived. I feel lucky to know what to do to live feeling really good. I also know that what makes a difference to me may be very different for someone else. I know how long it takes for someone to make a change become a habit and how s/he makes it become so may be vary widely. What’s been your experience with change?When you wanted something to change, what did you want to have happen instead? What did you want your life to be like? What did you do that helped? What helped make this change a habit? Did you have to tweak your goals or the steps that you took to reach your goals? How has this experience benefitted what you do today? I welcome your comments! About the author:Renée Meggs is a Registered Psychologist who works with adults and children to help them do what works, both in counselling and coaching. If you’d like to book an appointment or inquire about my services, please e-mail me at reneemeggs@focusedsolutionscounselling.com and/or go to my website at http://reneemeggs.com. I can meet with you in person, on the phone, or on-line.
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Moving Past Sadness or Depression–IIFor a couple of weeks I’ve been talking about sadness and depression. I.e. how you know if you’re sad or depressed, and imagining what your life will be like when sadness or depression are no longer a part of it. As you read last week’s post, you may have asked yourself, is this woman off her rocker? What’s the point of dreaming of a good life? This week, I’m going to tell you why, and I’m going to ask you to think about times when you may have been feeling really good and invite you to begin–or continue–to build a foundation that will get you where you want to go. Traditional counselling about depressionFar too often in traditional counselling, therapists and the people they work with spend an awful lot of time looking at what’s wrong, carefully looking for signs and symptoms of disorder, and trying to uncover the origins of the problem or the patterns of dysfunction that have, or are contributing to depression. Then the all-knowing therapist may point out cognitive distortions and teach the person they’re working with the correct way to think, act, and live. New ways to work with people who are sadThere are a growing number of therapists like myself who approach working with people differently. We believe that it’s really important to develop a vision of where you want to be when the troubles that contributed to sadness are no longer around. Without knowing where you’re headed, how will you tell when you’ve gotten there? How will you know that you’re on your way?
There are some who may say, “I’ll know when I’m not…” Is happiness just the absence of something…like sadness…or it is something more? I believe it’s much more and I’ve invited you to see, hear, and feel what you want to be doing when you’ve moved past sadness or depression. Exceptions…Review what you know your life will be like when sadness or depression are no longer a part of it. Are there any times now when bits of this vision are happening, even in the smallest of ways? What ’s helping you feel even a tiny bit better? What have you been doing that’s helped that to happen? Have there been any times in the past when life was going the way you wanted it to go? What was happening? What were you doing that helped it to go that way? What difference does it make knowing that either you’re doing some things now that are making you feel a bit better, or that you know you’ve done things in the past that have helped? Think of someone who knows you well from the present or past. What would s/he/they say they’ve noticed you doing in the present or past to feel better? Be as specific and detailed as you can. A next step…Suppose you did one of those things again. What’s one small thing you can imagine doing in the next week or so that would move things up a notch so that you felt a bit better? What do you think the person or people above would say they could see you doing? Pay attentionIn the days ahead, as an experiment, pay attention to what you’re doing that’s helping you feel even a little bit better– especially anything you’re doing that you might not have noticed before. Keep track what difference this makes in how your day goes. A final wordYou deserve to live a good life. What can you do to help make that happen? About the author:Renée Meggs is a Registered Psychologist who works with adults and children to help them do what works, both in counselling and coaching. If you’d like to book an appointment or inquire about my services, please e-mail me at reneemeggs@focusedsolutionscounselling.com and/or go to my website at http://reneemeggs.com. I can meet with you in person, on the phone, or on-line.
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Moving Past Sadness or Depression–ILast week in my blog, I talked about how you know if you’re depressed. Whether you’re clinically depressed or feeling really sad, I know it’s not where you or someone you know wants to be. This week I’m going to help you create an image of the way you would like your life to be when sadness or depression have packed their bags and gone away. Choose a quiet place and give yourself plenty of time.Take a deep breath…and another one. Get in a comfortable position. If it helps, put on some comfortable clothes and go someplace that helps you feel relaxed–somewhere quiet outside or inside–that you can let your imagination flow. Have you gone to that place? When you’re ready, read on below… Create a vision:When sadness or depression is no longer a part of your life, what will be different? What will you be doing when your life is going the way you want it to go? See it.Take a moment to close your eyes and visualize. What do you see? Are you inside, outside, alone, with friends, co-workers, or family? What is it that you’re doing? What colours, shapes, and textures do you see? Are you in a calming environment, a fast-paced and energetic one, or someplace in between? Imagine going throughout a day when life is going exactly the way you want it to go… Create a detailed snapshot of it. Hear it.What do you hear when life is going the way you want it to go? Do you hear a voice, a few voices, or many people? Is there a buzz of excitement in the air, do you hear traffic, machinery, music, silence, or the sounds of nature–loud crashing waves, the wind blowing, or birds calling? There is no right or wrong to these sounds. They’re exactly what you’ll be hearing when sadness or depression are no longer a part of your life. Feel it.What do you feel to have been able to successfully leave sadness behind? Accomplishment? Pride? Relief? Contentment? Satisfaction? Energy? Something else? Other people:What will someone from your present or past notice you doing when sadness is gone? What will someone else notice? What would a family member notice? How about a co-worker? What about somebody whose played a significant positive role in your life, whether s/he’s currently in your life, or someone who used to be? What would s/he see you doing that would tell him or her that you’re really happy? What else would she/he/they notice you doing? Think of as many details as you can. Capture it.What will you be doing in your personal life, your work life, or with other people when you’ve moved past sadness or depression? Take as much time as you need to create a vivid picture of what life will be like when you’re feeling good, happy, and content. If it helps, draw, paint, or create a collage of your vision. Write a song, journal, create a story, or write a poem. Do what helps you really capture what your life is going to be like when sadness or depression no longer play a role. Next week I’ll talk about some things you might do to make this vision happen. About the author:Renée Meggs is a Registered Psychologist who works with adults and children to help them do what works, both in counselling and coaching. If you’d like to book an appointment or inquire about my services, please e-mail me at reneemeggs@focusedsolutionscounselling.com and/or go to my website at http://reneemeggs.com. I can meet with you in person, on the phone, or on-line.
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How do you know if you’re depressed?Helping professionals look at a number of factors when assessing depression. We may ask you questions about your sleep, your appetite, your energy, your ability to think, your mood, and thoughts of dying. Signs of depression or deep sadness:When people are feeling sad, low, or flat, they may not feel like doing things they used to be interested in doing. They may not want to be around other people or may feel really worthless or guilty about anything and everything they do. Sometimes what can happen is people want to eat everything in sight, or food can become meaningless to them. Significant weight changes up or down may be a sign of deep sadness. Feeling like your walking through molasses throughout your day may be another signal. Your brain can feel like it’s stuck in that dark glue too because it can be hard to concentrate, hard to remember what you set out to do, or it can be hard to stay focused on what you’re doing. Obvious Signs:More obvious signs are that you’re feeling really down in the dumps and are having thoughts of dying or of killing yourself. Wishing for the pain to stop, wishing to die in an accident or from an illness, taking unreasonable risks with your life, or actively thinking about killing yourself are signs you need help. Get Help:Most of us feel sad from time to time. Life can present things that are hard to deal with for us. There are times when that sadness can grow to proportions that can seem more and more unmanageable. If you’re feeling like that or know someone who is, seek out some support. If you’d like more information or support, please contact me at reneemeggs@focusedsolutionscounselling.com or 403-762-3040. About the author:Renée Meggs is a Registered Psychologist who works with adults and children to help them do what works, both in counselling and coaching. If you’d like to book an appointment or enquire about my services, please e-mail me at reneemeggs@focusedsolutionscounselling.com and/or go to my website at http://reneemeggs.com. I can meet with you in person, on the phone, or on-line.
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Sticking with goals that are good for you!!
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been writing about goals. See Creating a New Year’s Resolution Jackpot!, Resolutions or to do lists, and Passionate Goals. I’ve talked about developing a rich vision, thinking about specific steps you can take, measuring where you’re at with those goals, and deciding whether you’re really passionate about them or not. But what about those goals that you know will be good for you, that have obvious health and wellness benefits, but are going to be hard to figure out how to start, when to start, or how to maintain on an ongoing basis? You know, goals like:
What do you do then? I’ve recently gotten a fresh reminder of how challenging change can be. I’ve developed a number of food intolerances that have made me feel really sick. Once I discovered that certain foods were the problem, I started to cut them out of my diet—at least I’ve been trying. The problem has been that I love food. In fact, I once had someone tell me I should write a book entitled, Foods I’ve Known and Loved. Good food is a BIG part of my life. I get excited about foods I’m going to eat and coo when I get to eat them. Now I’ve got a list of about 30 things I can’t eat. 3-0! They’re primarily healthy, delicious food—things like some red grapes, asparagus, nuts, and eggs. It’s not a matter of moderation—it’s a matter of not going anywhere near them—no way no how. I’ve gotten a good reminder of how difficult change can be, how some goals may be really good for us but involve sacrifice, discipline, and the willingness to give up things you’ve previously really enjoyed—at least in some ways. It’s been a really good reminder of how difficult it can be to create new habits that become just that—habits. What helps? Creating a rich vision of what you want can be really helpful. Thinking about small steps you will take to get there, and measuring your progress help. For me, discipline has also been key, and something I’ve had to re-visit several times. Talking myself through cravings, reminding myself of how sick I’ve felt, reminding myself how good I feel when I stick to my diet plan and what other things it’s enabled me to do, reminding myself those foods are no longer an option, planning for success (i.e. eating at home or select restaurants), and reminding myself to keep trying even when I slip have all helped. What helps for you? What helps you discipline yourself to really commit to your goals? What can you do to stand up to pressure from within or from others to stick to your plan? What is going to help you deal with setbacks? I’d be interested in hearing your comments!!
About the author: Renee Meggs is a Registered Psychologist who works with adults and children to help them do what works, both in counselling and coaching. If you’d like to enquire about my services, please e-mail me at reneemeggs@focusedsolutionscounselling.com and/or go to my website at http://reneemeggs.com
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Passionate Goals
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Resolutions or “To do lists”?On New Year’s Eve, we went out for dinner with some friends. We started talking about New Year’s resolutions and they quickly told us they didn’t make resolutions—they made “to do lists.” To do lists, we were told, are based on things they want to accomplish over the next year and are action oriented. So how do you make a “to do list” actionable? Get specific: Think of something you want to accomplish this year. What is it? Suppose as an example, you decided you wanted to get healthier. What would be signs that you were healthy? What would you be doing that would let you know you were living well? Will you be exercising 4-5 days a week? If so, what kind of exercise will you be doing? Will you be eating better? If so, what kinds of food would you eat at each meal that would tell you that you were taking good care of yourself? Would you drink less alcohol—or no alcohol? If you drank less alcohol, how much less would you drink each week or month? What would you be doing instead of drinking? People in your life: Let’s stay with the living healthier example. Who in your life would notice you were living healthy? What would s/he or they notice you doing that would tell him/her/them that you were healthier? What else would they notice? The benefits: Imagine you started living a healthy life. What would the benefits be? What difference would it make in your life? What difference would it make in your personal life? How about in your relationships? What would be some of the benefits in your work or in your professional development? How serious are you? On a scale of 0-10, if 10 was you were totally committed to becoming healthy this year and 0 was the opposite, how committed are you? What puts you there? What something you could see yourself doing over the next week that would move you up a notch on the scale? Where are you now? On a scale of 0-10, if 10 is you’re already living a healthy life, you’re exercising 5 days a week, you’re eating 5 servings of fruit and vegetables a day, eating 2-3 servings of protein a day, and eating a variety of food, and 0 is the opposite, where do you think you are now? What are you doing that puts you there? Again, what can you see yourself doing over the next week that would move you up a notch? To do lists can be wishful thinking or they can be great plans of action. In order to get them done, get specific. Think of what you’ll be doing when you can cross off that item on your list that will tell you it’s a done deal. Think of people that know you and what they’ll notice you doing. Think about the benefits of doing this thing or things and what difference it will make in your life. Is it something that’s really important to you that come hell or high water you’re going to do, or is it one of those things that would be nice to do but really won’t make any difference? And finally, thinking about where you’re at and a small step you can take will help get you going. Have fun!!! I’d love to hear from you!! Are resolutions or “to do lists” effective for you? If so, what makes them work? If not, what works better?
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Creating a New Year’s Resolution Jackpot!Inspiration exists, but it must find us working. ~Pablo Picasso It’s the time of year when people start thinking about New Year’s resolutions. All of us make them with the best intentions in mind. But how do you make them last? What makes them meaningful enough to follow through on? The first step: What is your New Year’s resolution? Suppose you wake up on New Year’s Day and your resolution has come true. What would be the first thing you noticed that would tell you something was different? What would be happening as you went through your day? What would you be seeing? What would you be hearing? What would you be feeling? What difference would it make in your life? What would be the benefits of having this resolution a reality? People in your life: Who else would notice your resolution was a reality? What would s/he or they say they notice you doing? Would your resolution make any difference to her/him/them? If so, what difference would it make? Capturing your Resolution: Part of making a resolution last is developing a rich picture of it. You have to be able to really imagine yourself doing something, to see it, hear it, and feel it with every cell of your body. Some people find creating that rich image is all they need. Other creative types enjoy creating an image, a symbol, or a representation of their goal through artistic endeavours. Would it be helpful to create a collage, a painting, a drawing, a photo, a sculpture, or to have a mantra or a saying that reminds you of your resolution and motivates you to act? Exceptions: Once you have a very clear image of what you want life to be like when you’re living your resolution, ask yourself, are there any times now or in the past when you’ve reached bits of that resolution—even in the tiniest of ways? What did you do that was helpful? How did you get that to happen? What can you use from that experience or experiences that would be useful now? A past or present relationship: What would someone in your life—past or present—say that s/he knows about you that would tell him/her that you can do this? Who would be the least surprised that you’re living your resolution? Where are you at? On a scale of 0-10, if 10 is you’re living your resolution and 0 is the opposite, where would you say you are now? What are you doing that puts you there? Where would that person in the paragraph above put you? What would s/he say s/he’s noticed that you’re doing that puts you there? One small step: What is one small thing you can do that would put you up a notch on the scale the week after New Years? Once you’ve decided, ask yourself, is that a small step or a big step? If it’s big, ask yourself to think small. Change can happen quickly and usually happens with small, realistic steps. The next step: Once you’ve made that small step, consider what helped you follow through. What’s one other thing you can do that will move you up the scale a notch? Again, think of a small, baby step you can take. Once you made that step, what’s something else you can do? Remember that success builds on success. Keep going, step-by-step. You’ll get there sooner than you think!! Happy New Year! If you have any comments, questions, or would like someone to help keep you accountable as you work on your New Year’s resolution(s), please let me know!! I look forward to hearing from you!!
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